The Back Story
I was really small before having Brexton. Size 3. 112 pounds. Medium top. Somewhat self confident. I didn't mind wearing a bathing suit, a tight shirt, or even being naked (not that I ran around naked or anything, I just could stand looking at myself). I didn't gain that much weight during my pregnancy either, maybe 20 lbs. However, after having Brexton I didn't really lose any of it. Size 7 (on a good day). 130something pounds. Large to extra large top. My belly has a pouch, which makes me feel I still look pregnant. I am not happy with my body, and I avoid looking at it. I won't wear a bathing suit, shirts that show my pouch, or anything that fits tightly. I honestly probably don't look that bad, but I am VERY unhappy with myself. I am insecure. I just want to feel an ounce of self confidence again. I want to be able to wear clothes that make me feel pretty. I want to look at myself in the mirror and think I am more then just a frumpy person in a baggy shirt.
Since losing my self confidence, I have also lost my motivation. I honestly think it started when I got post-partum depression but had no insurance to get treatment. I spend most of my days sitting on the couch. The dishes don't get washed, the floors don't get vacuumed, the laundry doesn't get put away. I don't take care of myself either. My hair is always up in a sloppy bun, I stopped getting my eyebrows done, and if I find time to shave my legs it is a miracle. I drive myself crazy. I think to myself "this needs to be done, that needs to be done, this needs to be cleaned" but it overwhelms me, so I sit back on the couch and cry. There is so much to do! How do I get it all finished? How to I make time for myself? How do I make time to hang out with Brexton? I feel like a lousy fiancee, mother, and person because I cannot keep up my duties as a stay at home mom.
One day, while sitting my lazy ass on the couch and surfing the Internet I made a post on the December 2009 birth board on babycenter. I don't even remember what it was about. I think I asked a question about a beginner work out system where I don't have to buy a bunch of equipment. I don't know. Someone mentioned Jillian Michael's and I recognized the name. I decided I would buy something of hers, and started looking. There was Yoga, 6 week 6 pack, etc etc. I bought the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD plus the 30 Day Shred Kit (which came with a floor mat and 2 dumbbells.) I thought maybe this would help my motivation. If I could make time in my day to do this one thing, maybe it would motivate me to do everything. If I started to feel better about myself, maybe my happiness would return. It would banish my laziness and bring back my motivation, while restoring my self confidence. That is a lot of faith to put into a DVD, right? Maybe, but I still feel like if I can get myself off of the couch to work out I can start getting off of the couch for other things.
It arrived at my door a week or two ago. I sat the DVD on top of the TV and the kit in the living room closet. It sat there, and sat there, and sat there. I talked about it sometimes but never made an attempt to try it. "I am too busy today" or "Brexton didn't nap long enough for me to work out", there was always an excuse as to why I hadn't started yet.
I know that I need to do this, not to lose weight or get fit- but to gain motivation and self confidence. I just want to feel happy again.
Wish me luck!